Jurassic World: Rebirth — Not My Dinosaurs (But Jonathan Bailey Can Stay)

⚠️ SPOILER ALERT ⚠️
This article contains major spoilers for Jurassic World: Rebirth (2025). Haven’t seen it yet? Treat yourself, go grab popcorn… or just stay home and rewatch the original.

I Wanted to Love It. Really.

You know when you’re so ready to fall head over heels for something, you rock up in your “I ❤️ Dinosaurs” tee, humming the Jurassic Park theme, eyes full of nostalgic wonder?

That was me.

I grew up devouring Jurassic Park yearly, including JP III (yes, even that one, let me live). So when Rebirth dropped, complete with mutated dinos, tropical suspense…and Jonathan Bailey in those slutty glasses? Hello, instant serotonin.

But then… the movie actually started.

Not Enough Dinosaurs, and the Wrong Ones

Let’s get one thing clear: I came here for dinosaurs. That’s not too much to ask, right? Big ones. Scary ones. Maybe one that sneaks up on you while you’re holding your breath behind a kitchen counter. Dinosaurs that feel real, like they might step off the screen and gently ruin your life.

What I got?
A handful of CGI creatures that looked like rejected Pokémon evolutions.

Seriously. The main villain dinosaur, some hybrid monstrosity called the Distortus Rex (I wish I was joking), looked less like a terrifying prehistoric predator and more like a haunted concept sketch from Alien vs Predator 9: This Time It’s Personal. It had extra limbs. Glowing eyes. It had vibes. But not Jurassic ones.

And don’t get me started on the flying raptor things. I audibly sighed. Loudly. I came for dinosaurs. I got sci-fi horror knockoffs with wings.

Too Many Characters, Too Little Time

On paper? The cast is chef’s kiss: Scarlett Johansson, Mahershala Ali, and Jonathan Bailey, who literally heals my soul in glasses.

But they packed in so many of them that none had a moment to breathe. We bounce so quickly from Zora to Duncan to the Delgado family that emotional arcs feel like they’re being dropped mid-churro, before Universal Studios serves them up again.

Scarlett? She deserved a whole movie to herself. Mahershala? Same, his shadowed past got teased and dropped in about three seconds. Xavier (David Iacono) was written as a dilettante jerk we loved to hate, but again, barely any time to care.
(Jonathan Bailey gets all the screen time he wants, seriously, let him narrate the dinosaurs reading the phone book to me.)

The One Bright Spark: Jonathan Bailey

Here’s a small mercy: Jonathan Bailey as Dr. Henry Loomis is a true standout. That pure-dino-nerd joy when he gets to touch a dinosaur? That’s Spielbergian magic right there.

His “slutty little glasses” sparked more genuine emotion than half the script.

Vibes & Legacy: A Spielberg Homage Gone Hollow

Director Gareth Edwards tries hard, visually there are nods to Spielberg, but the feeling gets lost. Without animatronics or living, breathing beasts, everything feels… digital and distance‑filled.

Sure, there are wink-wink nostalgia beats, “Remember JP?”, but no real magic, just echoes of it. Critics called it “visually striking, but hollow” and “one of the bigger disappointments”. I agree…

Final Verdict: A CGI-Colossus That Forgets Its Heart

On paper, Rebirth has all the ingredients. In execution? It’s a flashy CGI blockbuster with zero ounce of Jurassic soul.

TL;DR

I showed up primed, ready to fall in love. I got big creatures, lots of action and Jonathan Bailey bringing actual awe. But I didn’t get the magic I grew up on. I wanted awe. I wanted fear. Instead I got big-Pokémon energy and half-baked character arcs.

Am I still a fan? Heck yes, I’ll be lining up for the next one. But, Universal? Give me real dinosaurs, real stakes, real heart… Or don’t call it Jurassic.